Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
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dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.