[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
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The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.