The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
You Might Also Like
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
felt cute might bury dad later idk
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Me: [2013] I don鈥檛 trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we鈥檙e moving in together to become paranormal investigators
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That鈥檚 not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you鈥檙e still young and fit to climb in and out!
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I think something went wrong here?!馃
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Can鈥檛. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
At least he tried.. twice.. 馃槄
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don鈥檛 worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Kid logic: don鈥檛 need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom鈥檚 pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream