[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
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THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.