when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
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Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.