so weird how every mom was born today
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bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it鈥檚 an episode of housewives
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 馃槈
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it鈥檚 not your wife and you鈥檙e at the Waffle House drunk again.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you鈥檝e committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
They should invent clothes that get fat with you