When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
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Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”