Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
You Might Also Like
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.