“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
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Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Flock of bats
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.