5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
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Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas