If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
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Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined