God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
You Might Also Like
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
work smarter, not harder
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.