Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
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I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan