My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
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Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing