Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
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if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.