Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
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I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.