Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
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[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
nature’s most graceful animal
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.