NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
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The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back