Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
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Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.