🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
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I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”