Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
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I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
There’s always that one guy
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Seas the day!!!!
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.