Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
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I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Well, this is awkward
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Me checking my bank balance online.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster