Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
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Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I鈥檇 pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Oh you鈥檙e a yogi name one picnic basket you鈥檝e stolen
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
馃ザ馃ザ馃惗馃惗
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z鈥檚 that come out of your nose when you sleep.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.