[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
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It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
A short story about romance.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks