I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
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That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.