Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
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Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.