“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
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ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..