It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
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when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?