Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
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Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
All. The. Damn. Time.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
normalize having existential bread
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour