Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
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time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says