My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
You Might Also Like
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now