You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
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IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years