The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
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Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…