Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
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We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.