ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
You Might Also Like
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER