if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
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HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over