Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
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pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress