The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
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being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
*exercises sarcastically*
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
No laws when master is gone
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.