Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
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“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied