son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
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My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.