Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
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ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Aw man, but that’s the best part
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.