Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
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My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”