6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
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why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Whisper out to librarians!
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.