[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
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17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real