*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
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Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Bartenders are just boneless bars