One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
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Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Don’t touch that.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.