I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
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You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Best spot.. 😅
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Just a reminder, folks:
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
All food is good if you spell it wrong