before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.