I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
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Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Thursday Thought.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30