I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
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As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Growing up was a huge mistake
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol